Learning to Listen

by withchangecomesgrowth

Last night I ducked out of small group early, because I needed some time alone with God. So I went out into the parking lot and paced and vented for a while. After my voice hurt from shouting, my hands were thoroughly tangled in my hair, and my face was stained with tears…I plunked down on the ground and got ready to listen. As I lay there flat on my back, peering up at the sky…He said something, “Do you trust me?”

In a knee-jerk reaction, I spun off on Him, “Yes, God. I TRUST YOU. What kind of question is THAT? I mean, C’mon. Of COURSE I trust You! It’s just that all of these things are going on in my mind, and I’m confused and I’m FRUSTRATED and I don’t know what to do, and I’m SCARED and I don’t trust ME. On top of THAT, I can’t tell if what I want is what You want, or if I just want it to be what You want. I mean, will this ‘thing’ make me happy??? It sure looks too good to be true. Then I wonder if you really want me to be happy at all. I mean, I feel like I’ve gotta say ‘no’ to everything because You haven’t made it SUPER obvious that I should say ‘yes’ so I assume you don’t want me to have this blessing or that blessing and then I automatically say ‘no’. Ya know???”

At this point, I imagine He was giving me that look that says, “Do you realize how crazy you sound right now???”

I sat there for a few moments in the stillness and mulled over my own words, then I muttered, “I’m just scared, God, kay? Please just hold me.” and I sat up and pulled my knees to my chin and I CRIED…and He held me. Finally, when I was done with my meltdown, I sang the lines of Word of God Speak, by MercyMe:

“I’m finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it’s okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You’re in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak…”

I let my voice fade and I sat in silence. As I tasted the stillness of the night and the gentle breeze tickled my skin, the first words of psalm 46:10 pulsed through my head…like someone had hit the repeat button on my favorite song: “Be still and know that I am God.”  Finally He spoke. He said something that resonated deep within my soul, “Trust Me.”

I am learning to listen…